My Pretty Pink Cupcake
by belovedsoul
Summary: A oneshot about what Voldemort and his Death Eater friends do when they're alone at home. Cupcake and lemon drops inside. Author apologises for any resulting brain damage readers may suffer.


This was written to amuse myself after I had a stroke of inspiration, and is not meant to offend anyone in whatever way. Very nonsensical, I'm sorry.

**My Pretty Pink Cupcake  
**  
Voldemort stood cackling over a glowing green panel, surrounded by his many minions, who were currently fidgeting about and cursing Harry Potter. Because everything was his fault. His fault that Voldemort's toast had gotten burnt that morning and that he had killed off Goyle as a result, his fault that Crabbe had lost Voldemort's pink water hula-hoop and was now up in his room crying, his fault that they were all gathered in this dark, dusty, decrepit house, wishing they had followed the light side instead, so they could all be sitting around in a warm, comfy living room making fun of Voldemort's hideousness and sharing lemon drops.

"This, my minions," Voldemort was saying, "is my all-new mapping device!"

"That's funny..." Lucius said. "It looks exactly like the last one."

Voldemort looked hurt. "That's not true! Why, if you look on the other side, you'll see that I took the liberty to install cup holders, so that we don't have to stand around holding our own drinks anymore!" (Bellatrix, who had been standing around holding a paper Starbucks cup, dropped it into a cup holder with an appreciative squeal.) Voldemort beamed.

"Very good, Bellatrix! A 20 percent bonus and extra leave days this month!" The rest of the Death Eaters glowered jealously at Bellatrix, shuffling their feet grumpily and wondering why _they _hadn't thought of that.

Voldemort, ignoring them, continued speaking. "As I was saying, this new mapping device is a work of art. Look at this!" Voldemort pressed a hidden red button. A long, smooth panel slid out of the machine's side. "Now we can use it to play table hockey!"

The Death Eaters cheered. They were starting to get tired of having to traipse down to the arcade. Their long, black, pointy hoods didn't exactly let them walk around unnoticed.

Voldemort started to laugh evilly, but choked on the fourth 'ha'. Clearing his throat, he went on, trying to ignore the sniggers from the Death Eaters, all of which could do their evil laughs perfectly fine.

"Now, on to the mission ... We're going to get two extra larges, one with pepperoni and mushrooms, and one with green peppers, cheese, and pineapple."

"Anchovies!" someone called.

"Ahah! I almost forgot. And anchovies. Brilliant, Nott. Twenty points to Slytherin," Voldemort said, forgetting that they weren't in Hogwarts any more, and that he had never been a teacher to begin with. He opened his mouth to speak again.

But just then, they were interrupted by a loud crash, and the appearance of Harry Potter as he burst through the east wall, screeching war cries.

"I challenge thee, Dark Lord Voldemort! Step up and fight like a man, or forever wallow in the shame of your cowardice, you mangled mongrel!" Harry yelled, brandishing Godric Gryffindor's sword and nearly decapitating himself in the process.

Voldemort put his hands on his hips and sighed irritably. "Not now, Potter. I'm in no mood for one of your mortal enemy spasms. Go away like a good little boy and leave us alone."

Harry was indignant. "No! Me want fight! No! No! Me no go home!" Whereby he dropped his sword with a clang and dropped to the floor, beating it with his fists and bawling. "Mean Dark Lord! Big meanie!"

Voldemort was starting to lose his patience. He was hungry, and just about to hex the boy into oblivion when Dumbledore appeared with a sudden whoosh.

"Terribly sorry about this, Tom," he said, dragging Harry to his feet, laughing nervously. "You know kids these days. It won't happen again."

Voldemort grunted and turned back to his mapping device. He just wanted pizza, was that so wrong?

"Say, do you know any good pizza toppings?" he asked Dumbledore, turning around again to face him.

Dumbledore looked thoughtful. "Well, I am particularly fond of lemon drops."

"You would be," Voldemort muttered under his breath.

"Sorry?"

"Nuthn'."

Shrugging, Dumbledore proceeded to apparate back to Hogwarts, despite the fact that you couldn't apparate onto the grounds. Voldemort sighed tiredly and called back the attention of the Death Eaters.

"Alright, now here -" he jabbed at a spot on the mapping device. "- is where we will make the pretty pink cupcake – ahem, I mean, build the mind control lab. And we will strike _here_ -" he pointed to another spot. "- at dawn!"

Nott cleared his throat. "Ah, that's_ our_ house."

"That's our house," Voldemort mocked him in a high voice. "Shut up."

Nott pouted.

Avery, who had been starting to get very bored with everything, interrupted. "Yeah, so, anyway, after we're, like, done with this whole shizzax, can we like, discuss the topic of uniforms?" he drawled. "I mean, I don't know about you guys, but mine is like really itchy and all, and everyone keeps asking if I'm, like, in the KKK or something."

Voldemort silencioed him. Except that he got the Silencing charm mixed up with the Suffocating charm, and a few moments later, Avery keeled over onto the ground, dead.

"Oops," Voldemort said. "Oh, well. Nobody even liked him that much, anyway."

Nott, who had been Avery's bestest friend, collapsed next to his lifeless body and began to weep. Voldemort kicked him until he got up.

"So, are we all clear on the mission?" he asked. Everyone nodded. No one had actually been listening to him anyway.

Voldemort turned and punched his fist into the air. "Very well! By this time tomorrow, I shall rule the world! ...Or at least have pizza."

Someone in the back smirked. "If I were you, I'd cut my nails first."

Voldemort whirled around, scowling. "Don't be silly, Greyback, long nails are fashionable these days."

Greyback smirked and raised his eyebrows. "Sure, m'lord, whatever you say..."

Voldemort was spared from having to think up a witty retort. For just then, the doorbell rang.

"The pizza boy!" Voldemort screamed. "To the poles!"

At his command, the Death Eaters each ran to their respective shiny, silver poles and slid down it, then charged to the door and flung it open.

The pizza boy quit the next day.

(Remember, always dry-clean your Voldemort doll regularly. Keep it happy with its limited-edition accessories, available for purchase at your local toy store. Such accessories include a wand, a nose, Death Eater friends, and a The Beginner's Guide to Killing Your Neighbourhood Scarface. Also, never, ever, ever, give it lemon drops.)


End file.
